I’m not in a nice place at the moment.
I woke up at 11am today. I’d stayed up to 2.30am watching tv, actually rather rubbish horror films on the Horror channel.
Sleep wise this is not were I want to be, my sleep pattern tends to be – go to sleep in the early hours and get up late. I’m also not wanting to be awake, sleeping and dreaming is much more enjoyable. I think I’m trying to hide from reality.
The thought of going out, leaving the house, is bringing on panic attacks. My heart starts racing and I start to sweat. I had made plans to meet my friend Andy in St Annes this Saturday morning, but I couldn’t get motivated to get up and go out, so I missed him. I said I’d meet him again Sunday, but that didn’t happen. I have become unreliable. This is upsetting me, I need to sort myself out. Once i am out, I usually feel okay and have a great time.
There are other issues too, like trying to get a job and losing confidence in myself. Also my memory seems to be deteriorating, I really struggle to recall names and places in particular. For example, my Dad lives near Ramsbottom and I cannot remember this place name at all. I have to think of goats, which makes me think of male goats, hence rams and then I’ve got it. A few minutes later the name has gone again.
I need to see the doctor probably. I’m taking anti-depressants which have helped keep me calmer than I used to be, but I’m years overdue for a checkup for cholesterol and blood pressure, diabetes and my liver needs regular monitoring due to the heart meds I take. Going to the doctor scares me as does the dentist, who I’ve also now stopped going to.
My friend Steve has messaged me about meeting up for our weekly walk. I dread replying as I’m scared of committing and letting us both down.
My wife was on leave on Friday, so we got the bus into Lytham and both did a couple of chores. Then we met up and had lunch at Ego. This was very nice and quite rare these days. The food was excellent and one of our favorite waiters was working so we had a chat with him. He’s from Morocco, and for 14 years learnt his trade in Spain at a family restaurant, before coming to the UK 10 years ago. 25% off the food bill was nice too.
At the moment I’m thinking of what to say to Steve, avoiding speaking to Andy at all and psyching myself up to go out shopping.